Robert Epstein is editor in chief of Psychology Today. In the June issue, he wrote an editorial that was essentially an ad for a woman who would agree to date him exclusively, go to couples’ counseling to get to know each other, and then “fall deeply in love” by the end of an agreed-upon time-perhaps six months.

“This isn’t a publicity stunt,” he wrote. “It’s a serious, albeit small-scale challenge to a vexing myth.” That myth, he explained, is the notion that there is a one-and-only person for each of us with whom he or she can fall in love, marry, and be happy. He insists that he is in pursuit of “an alternative to the silly myths that ruin so many lives.”

Before you dismiss all this, be aware that the 48-year-old Epstein doesn’t appear to be a lunatic. He holds a Ph.D. in psychology, has published several substantive books and articles, and is director emeritus for the Cambridge Center for Behavioral Studies.

Furthermore, remember that marriages for such biblical characters as Isaac, Ruth, David, and Mary were not entered through casual contact, dating, and personal proposals.  That’s today’s western route to marriage-often with disastrous results. Those marriages were “arranged” for reasons other than romantic love. Once married, those strangers had to get acquainted, find positive things about one another, cultivate motivations for making the relationship work, and-ideally-fall deeply in love.

I’m not recommending that Christians abandon courtship customs for the sake of arranging the marriages of our children. I’m not even claiming that Epstein is onto something that should be imitated widely. All I am saying is that we’ve oversold the notion of romantic love in our time and place to the serious detriment of the truth that love is learned behavior. It isn’t hormones but choices, not caprice but resolve.

When God added you to his spiritual family, you had no option about the people who would be your sisters and brothers. But he told you to love them. Be careful! Otherwise you might say, “But I can’t help how I feel about certain people or personality types or folks who believe this or that.” Love isn’t a feeling. It is a choice not to be rude, pushy, or demanding. It is being patient, kind, and encouraging. First Corinthians 13 isn’t a definition of love but an outline of its standard ways of treating people.

To husbands and wives who aren’t “in love” right now, I’d plead that you think about Epstein’s experiment. No, I’d beg you to try your own. Quit highlighting her faults or wishing he would change. Focus exclusively on your mate. Draw on the Spirit to live out the other-centered behaviors of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 every day for a month. Pray for God to help the two of you to fall in love.

You might experience an outcome you had written off long ago as impossible.

Rubel Shelly, LoveLines, July 3, 2002